I had one person I wanted to see this weekend.
I couldn’t see her.
I could’ve drove across a country, twenty four hours worth… And not make it alive…
I could’ve paid $1397 for a plane ride… But she didn’t want me to spend it.
But I didn’t do either because I listened to her.
I wanted to talk to her all weekend since I couldn’t come home.
I barely heard from her.
I wish I went home.
I regret it, every bit.
This weekend has argubly been one of my worst ever.
So some dickheads got to take her from me.
I just want this weekend to end already. I was looking forward to three day weekends so I can go home. But this extra day fucking blows. An extra day of being ignored, waiting on someone’s response?
I forgot what three day weekends used to mean, now that it’s just an extra day to torture my heart with.
Why does it even matter that I typed this up?
Not like anyone can change anything.
I’ve concluded that as long I’m single or dating someone as I’m away from home or doing work, I’ll never be capable of balancing my loved ones, from significant other, family, to bestfriends.
Time and distance are the greatest lessons God will have in my life and those two will hurt me the most. The two things that I want to conquer so I can be happy.
This past half year has been hell. I’m more alone than I can ever accept and admit.
I was the happiest person on earth, just a month and few weeks ago.
I was so genuinely happy…
Leaving home is horrible. I have to say bye to my best friends. Everyone in the military has the hardest goodbyes. You make amazing friends, it’s so hard to part ways. Then I have to say bye to my family. My little brother misses me a lot. We had our own ways as we grew up, but there’s nothing like it that friends can ever create. My sisters, too, but they’ve been busy growing up. And my mom, as I can only imagine what it’s like for her to say goodbye to her oldest son, the one that she cared for for 19 years before he left.
Then I have to say good bye to my love. We wanted to soften our good byes. See you soon sounds much better because I’ll come around. I don’t ever want to not be able to see her again, that would destroy me.
Kisses, hugs, a heart breaking flashback of all the memories and moments rushes through and makes me warm… I find myself in tears… Not wanting to let go of the person that’s been there for me forever… I left for basic and we cried in each other’s arms. There’s always those times I’m bawling in her arms. I feel safe, yet she turns me around to face the world, and I feel invincible. The other moments where I’m not drowning in tears physically, I’m more useless than a broken clock. My heart is shut down… I don’t want to do anything but to stay and never leave. This last time, I didn’t get to have a longer parting away. Time ran out. Time cut short on me. I felt like time cheated its way out on us, again. I had a quick flashback of when we first parted away. Tears flooded our eyes… I drove away because I had places to be at certain times.
I hate leaving her so much, because she means everything to me. As a man, to realize what she means to me, is heart breaking. You never know how much someone means to you til you tried to conquer the world and live unlike yourself, without that person.
I did that. I couldn’t wish anything worse to a person than for them to do and experience what I did.
I hate leaving her as I leave home because we spent time and created so many memories that left a mark around town. She has to see ghosts of me and I have to see her cry, going through it all alone. I hate going from seeing someone every weekend to a few times every half year.
She motivated me to do better, be better, she wanted me to be the person that she could put a ring on and have children with. That’s love. Not just finding someone that wants that, but someone that’ll put through years worth of waiting, just to see me for a handful of days out of the year.
Did time and distance defeat me? No.
They caused me a lot of hell and tears not to mention the anxiety and headaches.
But I did fuck up and the word sorry will never be enough and understated.
Love conquers all. I believe that if I follow those three words, I’ll find my way home once again.
So here I am, ready to silently cry my eyes out as I sleep.